April 2, 2020 – Day four of Shelter in Place:

Alarm off at 6:00 am, me up at 8:00 am. My day does not start off too well. I don’t have the will power to face either the gym or my bike waiting for me on the porch. I just can’t. My new mantra seems to have become: What’s the point?

Instead I decide to face my other new arch-nemesis…I grab my laptop and try to give it a go. ‘Write down your feelings’, they say. ‘Write about all of the positive things this lockdown has brought with it’. Easier said than done. My feelings are a big jambalaya of emotions. Yes, it has brought the family closer; yes, we are giving our planet some breathing space, but at what cost?

People dying needlessly around us. Others stuck at home in deplorable situations. I shouldn’t complain; I’m in no position to complain. I’ve got my family close to me and we are all in good health and safe. I have a solid roof over my head and enough provisions to last me through the month and then some! But I still feel an emptiness inside I can’t put into words. The world as we now it has shifted and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t fix it or control it and this lack of control has made my inner world shift as well.

My comfort breakfast delivered by my daughter…ignore the crotch sniffing dog in the background!

This imbalance is something new I have to learn to deal with. I’ve never been overly organized and am okay with sudden changes but waking up every morning with absolutely no structure to the day, no schedule to adhere to, no list of things to do, or places to visit…it’s really starting to mess with my head. Thank God for the little things, like my daughter seeming to sense my somber mood this morning and surprising me with my comfort breakfast; yogurt with fruit and homemade granola (yes, of course we’ve been  making our own granola…why the heck not, we’ve certainly got the time to do it!)

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