Alarm off at 6:00 am, me up at 8:00 am. My day does not
start off too well. I don’t have the will power to face either the gym or my
bike waiting for me on the porch. I just can’t. My new mantra seems to have
become: What’s the point?
Instead I decide to face my other new arch-nemesis…I grab my laptop and try to give it a go. ‘Write down your feelings’, they say. ‘Write about all of the positive things this lockdown has brought with it’. Easier said than done. My feelings are a big jambalaya of emotions. Yes, it has brought the family closer; yes, we are giving our planet some breathing space, but at what cost?
People dying needlessly around us. Others stuck at home in deplorable situations. I shouldn’t complain; I’m in no position to complain. I’ve got my family close to me and we are all in good health and safe. I have a solid roof over my head and enough provisions to last me through the month and then some! But I still feel an emptiness inside I can’t put into words. The world as we now it has shifted and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t fix it or control it and this lack of control has made my inner world shift as well.
This imbalance is something new I have to learn to deal with. I’ve never been overly organized and am okay with sudden changes but waking up every morning with absolutely no structure to the day, no schedule to adhere to, no list of things to do, or places to visit…it’s really starting to mess with my head. Thank God for the little things, like my daughter seeming to sense my somber mood this morning and surprising me with my comfort breakfast; yogurt with fruit and homemade granola (yes, of course we’ve been making our own granola…why the heck not, we’ve certainly got the time to do it!)
I had truly hoped that today the government would announce
that this has all been a big April fool’s joke. A huge conspiracy with all
governments worldwide finally working together for a big HAHA we got you
suckers! But no, it’s not a joke, it’s seriously another day in lock-down. My
alarm woke me up at 6:00 am but I again ignored it and got up at 8:00 am.
Joined the kids for a 30-minute workout in the gym then took it outside (as in
on the porch) for a 30-minute bike ride. Exercise for the day: Done!
I wouldn’t want you to think that all I do is exercise but
it is kind of the main activity of the day. I’m usually done by 11 to 11:30
which is just in time to take a shower and plop in front if the TV for the
daily Press Conference. Then it’s time to prepare lunch which can be anything
from an elaborate meal prepared together with my daughter, leftovers from a
previous elaborate meal, or a quick avocado wrap. By the time lunch is cooked,
eaten and everything cleaned up it’s usually 3 in the afternoon; a good time to
start the Netflix marathon till news at 8 pm, another round of Netflix and then
bedtime. That’s pretty much the day in a nutshell. Sometimes it’s my Kindle
instead of Netflix and other times (not often enough regretfully) I sit down to
write, but that’s pretty much the routine.
I thought a lockdown
would be the ideal time for me to completely seclude myself for a few hours and
get some writing done but I can’t seem to get myself there. My mind is all over
the place, I can’t sit still and focus. At the moment I prefer to be around my
family in a flurry of activity than alone in a room with a laptop. Hopefully
I’ll find my inner peace soon because this thing could drag on for another two
weeks or even more. I know that once I get the flow going I could sit and write
for hours, but right now I just can’t do it. Maybe I’m subconsciously fighting
it. I feel more secure in my ‘I don’t have time to sit down and write’ world
than in this ‘I have nothing but time to write’ reality. So today, I took some
time to take in my surroundings, count my blessings, quiet my mind and wait for
the flow to come…